![]() I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. “Revenge” sounds so mean, that’s why I prefer to call it “Returning the favor.” Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.” My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I’m still at work.” When a door closes another door should open, but if it doesn’t then go in through the window.” ![]() Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that’s confusing.” Don’t mess with me, I know Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and 20 other dangerous words. ![]() I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. Silence is golden unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.” Dear automatic flushing toilet… I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn’t done yet. That moment when there’s a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.” I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, the hardest thing in the world. My prince is not coming on a white horse… He’s obviously riding a turtle and definitely lost. Dear LOL, thank you for being there for me all those times I never had something else to say. You tell me you love me, so now I’m scared!” That moment when you spell a word so wrong, even auto-correct is like “I’ve got nothing man.” Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be mad at you.” Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.” When you’re at work and it’s 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s 2:31.” When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s already 6:45. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot.” Payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement. As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Papercut: A tree’s final moment of revenge.” Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.” I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor. As your best friend, I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me… I can’t force you to be right. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. Well, not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu… But a carebear, I’d definitely fight a carebear for you. I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich. They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.” I miss the days when you could just push someone in the swimming pool without worrying about their cell phone. A relationship without trust is like a cell phone with no service, all you can do is play games. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.” When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep in until noon because I’m a problem solver.” I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect. When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
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